The Hidden Me (iacceptmyself) wrote,
The Hidden Me

Discovering Me

Okay - and apologies to anyone who is reading so much self-indulgent bullshit - I am going to take this as an opportunity. An opportunity to decide who I am and what I want. An opportunity to accept myself as I am, and use that as a crutch to move me towards being who I want to be. Other people go through this when they break up with a partner, or have a baby, or retire. I suppose in a way I'm retiring, as I'm losing my job; but it's a different process when you're not even 40 yet. But I'm not at all breaking up with my very much loved partner, and my 'baby' is a beautiful bouncy 10 year old (near enough), who doesn't need me in such a 'hands on' role any more. So I've lost my job and my baby is all grown up. It's all about me.

And actually? NO apologies to people reading my self-indulgent bullshit. Go away and don't read, if you don't want to. I spend my entire life apologising for being who I am. ENOUGH. I don't know who I am and I'm not apologising for it. So there!

This is a great chance for good things. I imagine I will be posting regularly and often, and I'm enjoying having this field in which to do so. Because most people have left LJ, or post rarely, I felt a bit awkward posting lots of regular soul-searching posts on it, but I only have one mutual friend here at the moment and zie can always unfriend me or skip over my posts if zie wishes. So I can muse to my heart's content here.

I can either be devastated by the changes in my life, or I can look around for new positives. Many of the old positives are dead. Okay, that's pretty awful. Very awful. But that doesn't mean that everything has to be awful. I need to regroup. Remind myself of what is 'me' and what I just do because I feel obliged. More than anything, remind myself that it is okay to be me.

(And that means when I have moments like right now, of "I can't bear it", I should be gentle with myself. It's okay. Change is hard. It's okay.)
Tags: becoming myself
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