I Accept Myself|
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|Saturday, June 27th, 2015|
I think people presume that if you're doing something outside their idea of what 'normal' is, you're doing it for attention.
I've tried. I really have tried, on many occasions, to try and fit myself into the box society tells me I should be in. What frustrates me is (a) I still get pegged as odd, (b) people still don't like me (in fact, they dislike me more - or, rather no one likes me: not the normals and not the other off-beats) and (c) it's miserable and tiring trying to pretend to be something I'm not.
So I've given up pretending. It didn't work anyway. But I guess the thing about stopping pretending is that the majority of my oddities are on view, either online or irl. And because I'm just 'being me', rather than 'trying to stand out', I find it slightly disconcerting when people interact with me as if I'm... oh, I don't know, showing off? Or being awkward, just by existing?
I've got to be honest: I keep forgetting my hair is an unusual colour. I'm usually thinking about something else and it's not until someone reacts to me peculiarly that I remember. Well, or when I catch sight of myself in a mirror, but then I'm rather pleased. But because of the second part, I do see how it might affect other people: I mean, anything which means that I catch sight of myself and don't think "oh gods, how can you bear to live when you look like that?" must be fairly strongly noticeable.
So there's that.
And then, currently, there's the knitting which I'm hoicking about the place with me. Knitting plastic bags is not exactly normal, either. But I can get so much done by taking it with me when I'm going to watch Mac at the park or at trampolining that it seems daft not to bring it just because it makes me look peculiar.
I guess with both of these, I'm *choosing* to be peculiar in public. I chose to dye my hair. I chose to take the knitting with me. But then again, I'm not doing either of them because I want to be odd. I'm doing them because they please me and I think they are good things to do (especially the knitting). The choice I am making is not to hide myself, and hide the things I like.
So those are 'physical' oddnesses. But I'm also emotionally peculiar.
I don't want to have to hide the fact I'm mentally ill. Or hide the things I enjoy doing or writing. Or pretend not to care. Not put my heart on my sleeve. I don't want to pretend to be a different sort of person.
I just want to be me, in my immensely imperfect fashion. It's not obligatory for people to like me, though obviously I prefer it if they do. But I just want not to be criticised and condemned for being me. And to feel allowed to go on Being Me-ish without it being said or implied that I shouldn't be.
I want I want I want.
Maybe I want too much.
|Friday, June 26th, 2015|
Husband has reassured me that losing my job - however much I knew it was coming - does really fuck with your mind. Personal experience on his behalf. Of course, then getting a phone call which was critical of my mothering - the only thing I'm now doing, basically - was the last straw.
Anyway, he has given me 2 weeks to cheer the fuck up a bit, or he's taking me to the doctor.
I have forgotten both the password and the email address I used to sign up to a dieting website. This is frustrating AND humiliating.
Life. I'm not sure I'm currently a fan.
|Thursday, June 25th, 2015|
Okay, talked to sister. Feeling a bit better.
I'm still shit.
Bought lots of new clothes for Mac.
Hate everything. But not as much as I did. Self-harm probably postponed temporarily.
Really really really mentally unwell. Yesterday triggered a massive issue in my head, and then Husband said maybe it was just us who were phoned, and that has literally been almost unbearably awful.
I am very very self-harmy and although I'm writing here, I'm not feeling able to talk to anyone. I didn't sleep much last night and I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I'm scared and sad and fairly desperate. All my usual ways of calming myself aren't working. I'm tempted to go shopping, but I'm also slightly worried about the way I've been spending money of late.
I think I'll do that anyway. I need to get out of the house and away from the sharp knives.
I felt like my MIL was somewhat judgy yesterday about my being out of work. Perception is part of it, but I do understand that seeing her son work loads of hours and her daughter-in-law just sit around at home doing nothing must rankle.
I absolutely fail at everything. That is honestly the way I'm feeling. Really really strongly. I wouldn't ever kill myself because I couldn't do that to the boys. But the fact I have to mention that I wouldn't do that possibly demonstrates the way I'm feeling now. Put it this way, fainting at the top of the stairs seems like a welcome thing, not a fearful one.
|Wednesday, June 24th, 2015|
Also, the school called this morning. Husband answered. They say they're encouraging all the boys to wash more thoroughly and change clothes more.
I'm convinced they only phoned us. That they're saying that Mac smells. And I'm mortified and upset and angry.ETA
Ah. This is what's upsetting me most today. I didn't answer the phone so I'm only going by what Husband said. But it's REALLY REALLY BOTHERING ME.
|Friday, June 19th, 2015|
I want to get back to being me. Or on to being current!me. I hate having to hide myself away online as I do IRL. But I want to feel safe.
I hate the idea of ditching The Other Journal as it's been home to me for so long. And I have a massive attachment to it. But at the same time, I don't feel comfortable there. I suppose I could create a 'filter' and only post to that. Or I could invite a few other people to this LJ and write my thinky things here. But then who do I invite, and do I then make life difficult for people if I invite them but not some of their close LJ friends who are on my Other Journal's flist?
I've been going through so much change lately, and I have more than enough to say. Lots of things I've been thinking about which I want to explore further.
I kind of want to write a post saying "this is me and fuck off if you don't like me". Though I've also realised how easy it is to say slightly critical things to people, especially on FB. I've been deliberately not posting anything negative, but have been tempted a couple of times. Someone was quoting Yoda's comment about Fear leading to the Dark Side. Hate hate HATE that quotation. I'm scared of everything; I'm totally fucked, aren't I? But if it's useful to someone, who am I to go and criticise and maybe make them feel snubbed and sad?
So. Dilemmas. And a very VERY friendly cat. She is full of purrings at the moment.
|Wednesday, June 17th, 2015|
I'm really struggling today. I should be writing but I can't get up the oomph. I've sent a couple of difficult emails - to ex!boss and someone else about pensions - but I feel sort of paralysed apart from that. I know what I should be doing but it isn't happening.
In need of cuddles.
|Saturday, June 13th, 2015|
So, I have made some small decisions, and am thinking about bigger ones. With the bigger ones, I suddenly understand why Jay tends to go, "Oh, I wish I could do [x]!" This has always made me feel guilty because I'm not bringing in enough money for him to do [x] but in fact it's about the simple truth that there are So Many Cool Things to do in life. I never understood because I never wanted to do anything much because I was always too tired. Now I have a certain amount of 'free' energy and THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO DO OMG.
Anyway. Small decisions are relevant to internet use.
- I will post small silly updates about my life (nothing political or about Issues) to my personal FB.
- I will post silly memes and cute animals to my work FB.
- I will post longer day to day updates about life to The Other LJ.
- I will post longer thinky posts which are actually emotionally important to me here.
I have yet to decide what to do about inviting other people to this LJ. I am enjoying the privacy, and I've found in the past that I need to rant about people I'm close to on LJ, so this has been nice for that. (Please note, that means if you're on my flist here I don't anticipate ever needing to rant about you :) ) So, we will see.
The bigger decisions... are kind of life-style ones. Not as amazing and dramatic as that sounds, but - well, there are so many things I'd like to spend money and energy on! And I can't do them all.
1. Do I want to go properly into the 'breeding Zula' thing? On the negative side, this would involve a while of going to cat shows (there are fuck all locally) and taking her up somewhere to have sex with a Serengeti male, which would be a faff, an expense, and might not even work first time around. PLUS, she hasn't come into heat since that one occasion (she isn't putting on weight, however, so I presume that Rory's neutering and anyway his lack of ability to get his penis where it should have gone, has not caused problems). Also, building a website and finding homes and so much money on making sure Zula and the kits were healthy.
On the positive side - KITTENS! KITTENS! HOW CAN I POSSIBLY DO ANYTHING ELSE WHEN I COULD HAVE KITTENS?
2. LARPing. I do like the idea of getting involved with LARP. As does Mac (who also likes the idea of kittens, mind you). But there's no point doing it half-assed. I'd want to start by going to a few day things, and build up. But that would take so much money and energy and finding somewhere local. But it would be fun, and something we could share!
There are other things, but those two are battling it out at the moment. *visualises kittens battling in LARP clothing*
I think kittens are more likely, but I do feel sad about LARP. Plus, I'm so frustrated about how DIFFICULT the kitten thing is. I can't find any local cat shows before about November. WTF? How am I supposed to get known when there are no cat shows to attend? I probably need to start blogging specifically about Zula, don't I? But I should probably do that under a different name, and that means setting up a whole new identity online.
Oh bother. I need to commit to some things and go willy-nilly in their direction, don't I? But actually, at the same time, I don't have to make it NOW. I can be me for a while, and find out who 'me' is.
|Friday, June 12th, 2015|
|ah, fuck it
Sometimes I just need a space to yell I FAIL AT LIFE I FAIL AT LIFE I HATE ME WHY WHY WHY AM I SO AWFUL AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
And then cry in a corner for a bit.
See, this is the sort of things I don't know where to put ANYWHERE.
Sick of all of this. Sick of me.
|Tuesday, June 9th, 2015|
|Friday, June 5th, 2015|
I want to be gentle and kind. I do not want the bad things to stop me being the person I'm trying to be. I'm not naturally either gentle nor kind. These, to the degree that I've ever had these characteristics, have been hard fought for. Which is a kind of bizarre thing to say about 'gentleness', I realise!
But, I need to take a few steps back. The people to whom it is most important to be gentle and kind are those I know IRL. So I am going to set my goals a lot closer to home. I want to be there for my boys. I also want to make the house less of a mess, so that it's a nicer place for the boys to be.
I also want, for my own sake, my house to be somewhere I'm proud of, not ashamed about. Plus, if I am going to breed my little cat at some point, people will be visiting the house! So it's a move towards the exciting idea of kittens! (It is little cat's birthday today! She is a year old.)
So. Housework, continuing to write, but most of all continuing to try to be the sort of person I want to be. (I'm never going to be Actually the person I want to be - it's not in my nature - but the closer I can get to it, the happier I think everyone will be.)
I just said "Happy Birthday, little," to little cat, and she started purring :)
|Thursday, June 4th, 2015|
Okay - and apologies to anyone who is reading so much self-indulgent bullshit - I am going to take this as an opportunity. An opportunity to decide who I am and what I want. An opportunity to accept myself as I am, and use that as a crutch to move me towards being who I want to be. Other people go through this when they break up with a partner, or have a baby, or retire. I suppose in a way I'm retiring, as I'm losing my job; but it's a different process when you're not even 40 yet. But I'm not at all breaking up with my very much loved partner, and my 'baby' is a beautiful bouncy 10 year old (near enough), who doesn't need me in such a 'hands on' role any more. So I've lost my job and my baby is all grown up. It's all about me.
And actually? NO apologies to people reading my self-indulgent bullshit. Go away and don't read, if you don't want to. I spend my entire life apologising for being who I am. ENOUGH. I don't know who I am and I'm not apologising for it. So there!
This is a great chance for good things. I imagine I will be posting regularly and often, and I'm enjoying having this field in which to do so. Because most people have left LJ, or post rarely, I felt a bit awkward posting lots of regular soul-searching posts on it, but I only have one mutual friend here at the moment and zie can always unfriend me or skip over my posts if zie wishes. So I can muse to my heart's content here.
I can either be devastated by the changes in my life, or I can look around for new positives. Many of the old positives are dead. Okay, that's pretty awful. Very awful. But that doesn't mean that everything has to be awful. I need to regroup. Remind myself of what is 'me' and what I just do because I feel obliged. More than anything, remind myself that it is okay to be me.
(And that means when I have moments like right now, of "I can't bear it", I should be gentle with myself. It's okay. Change is hard. It's okay.)
I feel at the moment like I have nothing to give.
In my particularly selfish moments, I find myself thinking something like "Why should I try and give, when I get criticised for it, and when no one particularly wants to reciprocate?"
The first half of the question, I have an answer for. I will sekritly do good things. (For example, giving to food banks each week.) Well, semi-secretly: I'm hoping to encourage my parents, at least, also to give because I'm giving to one that meets at my choir, so my Dad sees me carrying in each week's offerings. I'm not going to preach or suggest anyone else should do it, but there's always a small hope that they will follow my example.
The second half - okay, I'm being incredibly self-centred. And it annoys me because it implies that I'm doing nice things in order to get something back - and if that's the case, then fuck off, self, you don't deserve anything in response.
Anyway, the decision I've made is to be less open about trying to make positive change. I keep passing internet things which I would usually post on FB because I hope that people would read it and think about it. But, well - either the people on my FB will agree with me, in which case they probably know about it already, or they will be rude or critical about it, in which case it will probably do more harm to me than it will help other people. So, it's pointless trying to work publicly for positivity.
But. I'm lonely. I'm struggling. We seem to be moving away from the internet as a place to connect properly with people, and become a place to show off in front of others, or offer a superficial window into our lives. That's not me. I need to be who I am, and what I'm getting back at the moment is that I'm not good enough.
I want to be me. I want to express myself in words. I want to share what matters to me, and try and help people who need and want help and support. But I don't think there's room for that any more on the internet, and I don't think I'm prepared or emotionally conditioned to manage in what everyone else seems to see as the 'right' way.
Okay, then. I'm at a place in my life where I'm having to re-examine a lot of things. My job, my place in the world; what I *want* to do, and what I *can* do, and finding out where those two things intersect. I think this is the moment to re-examine my internet use. The internet has always been my home - at least since I started on LJ so many many years ago. But maybe that time has passed.
Maybe I have to reinvent myself. Find a new way of being me. I have no idea how to do this, but maybe that's what I need to work on. Gently re-finding who I really am.
|Wednesday, June 3rd, 2015|
Yes indeedy, my workplace did schedule a meeting to sack me for disability related reasons in a room not accessible for wheelchairs.
It kind of beggars belief.
|Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015|
Bother. This laptop doesn't like tumblr. This laptop is a flipping pain.
Well. I'll be here, making no noise and pretending I don't exist...
Couldn't go out this evening because of health nasties.
Have a work meeting scheduled for next Tuesday.
General health disintegrating.
Possibly person disintegrating.
|Monday, June 1st, 2015|
But who do I trust?
Partner doesn't understand about internet and my relationship with it. Parents don't either, nor sisters, nor child (I couldn't ask child about it anyway).
There's no person to whom I can talk when I need to, whenever I need to, unlike the computer, which is there most of the time. Not unreasonably, no one can put up with all my shit. Online, though, I've known someone will be around. But I've expected it to be a supportive person and now it's as likely, if not more, to be unsupportive, unhelpful or even aggressive.
People I've trusted and leaned upon in the past have gone. Their lives have moved on whilst I'm still stuck in la-la land, feeling increasingly alone.
Perhaps I've demanded too much from too many people. Perhaps I should realise that This Is How It Is (not "this is how it ends" although I may be moving towards my internet usage ending in its current form). I ask too much and offer too little, even when I offer myself. ESPECIALLY when I offer myself.
I'm maudlin. And because of my tendency to pick scabs, I'm running out of places to make non-obvious cuts.
Maybe this is where we break up, the internet and I. Maybe this is where I run away from LJ and FB and just post on tumblr. I believe I have a tumblr. I should go and make my new nest there. One where I can be me and not feel judged by people who I think of as my friends.
Perhaps this is the end of the road.
Oh, thank goodness for this LJ.
It's been years since I've needed it enough to come and seek it out. But I need it now.
For a long time, the internet has been my safe space. My space to be 'me'. And people have - I thought - loved and valued me as me.
At the moment, however, I feel like I'm being criticised at every turn. If I post something about what to buy for food collection points for food banks, I ought to be giving money or telling people to phone their nearest bank (because I'm so sure people are going to do that). If I post something about trying to knit with plarn for homeless folk, I'm being well-meaning but ultimately crap and useless. If I post about anything, I am unreasonable and wrong. Fuck it, I'm not even allowed to say *hugs* because it might not be consensual hugging.
That last one has been the last straw, to be honest. Logically, I can see that if you don't want to have unconsenting hugging, that would count online as well. And in actual person, I can see it. But for me online, and given my personality and the way I am - it feels to me like someone is literally saying "Your personality is WRONG and EVIL".
The joy of online was that I could be my honest self - someone who reaches out and cares, who hugs people because she's really involved. The sort of thing I have never been able to do in person because I'm too worried about what people will think. Being told that I'm not worried ENOUGH about what people think is like someone telling me that all I've believed about my online life is a lie. That my personality truly is as awful as I believe. That no one deserves the punishment of having me in their life, online or offline.
I'm trying (and failing) not to over-react. Unfortunately, I've just done a flist cull on my other journal and I can't do it again. Maybe I could add everyone I trust to this one - but it's the people I thought I could trust who tend to make me feel worst. They c&p something I've said generally and imply I've said it about them alone. They vanish on me. They tell me how I'm doing something wrong when I'm trying to be helpful. They say, if I post an article on something, "well, anyone who thinks that way is a total dickhead" or words to that effect.
I kind of see why people just shut down their online persona and move. I quite want to do that. It hurts, because I've got such long ties with people. But this LJ is called "I accept myself" because I want to accept me as how I am, not how other people think I should be.
I'm facing too much 'should' in my online life. It used to be that someone would say something hurtful every 6 months or so. Now it's at least every week. I don't need to have that. I need to walk away, now.
Do I delete my other LJ? I think I probably do, temporarily, just to stop me checking it over and over. I definitely should do it with my FB, but it's difficult when it's work-connected. And I don't want to look like I'm being dramatic, but I feel dramatic. I feel like the computer is dragging me down.
|Wednesday, April 11th, 2007|
If someone else injured me to the extent I injure myself, everyone would tell me to leave them. But you can't leave yourself. And you're told that abusers rarely change.
And actually? It does help, sometimes.
|Sunday, September 3rd, 2006|
Son is behaving in particularly irritating fashion. It only takes me saying "No" for him immediately to go back to it. He turns round, looks at me, then ignores me. And believe me, he knows what I mean.
Is driving me mad. Am trying not to scream at him. Am trying not to cry.
Am also frustrated by something else: someone is making very unhelpful comments in his journal, and I want to tell him so but he's going through a tough period. And it's HIS journal. And I've tried once and only got a very very defensive response.
And said response has irritated me further and I really really really want to respond and tell him exactly why what he's saying is out of order, but also very much like him and do not wish to upset him.
And it's HIS journal. But I am stewing very much over it and am actually quite angry.