The Hidden Me (iacceptmyself) wrote,
The Hidden Me


I think people presume that if you're doing something outside their idea of what 'normal' is, you're doing it for attention.

I've tried. I really have tried, on many occasions, to try and fit myself into the box society tells me I should be in. What frustrates me is (a) I still get pegged as odd, (b) people still don't like me (in fact, they dislike me more - or, rather no one likes me: not the normals and not the other off-beats) and (c) it's miserable and tiring trying to pretend to be something I'm not.

So I've given up pretending. It didn't work anyway. But I guess the thing about stopping pretending is that the majority of my oddities are on view, either online or irl. And because I'm just 'being me', rather than 'trying to stand out', I find it slightly disconcerting when people interact with me as if I'm... oh, I don't know, showing off? Or being awkward, just by existing?

I've got to be honest: I keep forgetting my hair is an unusual colour. I'm usually thinking about something else and it's not until someone reacts to me peculiarly that I remember. Well, or when I catch sight of myself in a mirror, but then I'm rather pleased. But because of the second part, I do see how it might affect other people: I mean, anything which means that I catch sight of myself and don't think "oh gods, how can you bear to live when you look like that?" must be fairly strongly noticeable.

So there's that.

And then, currently, there's the knitting which I'm hoicking about the place with me. Knitting plastic bags is not exactly normal, either. But I can get so much done by taking it with me when I'm going to watch Mac at the park or at trampolining that it seems daft not to bring it just because it makes me look peculiar.

I guess with both of these, I'm *choosing* to be peculiar in public. I chose to dye my hair. I chose to take the knitting with me. But then again, I'm not doing either of them because I want to be odd. I'm doing them because they please me and I think they are good things to do (especially the knitting). The choice I am making is not to hide myself, and hide the things I like.

So those are 'physical' oddnesses. But I'm also emotionally peculiar.

I don't want to have to hide the fact I'm mentally ill. Or hide the things I enjoy doing or writing. Or pretend not to care. Not put my heart on my sleeve. I don't want to pretend to be a different sort of person.

I just want to be me, in my immensely imperfect fashion. It's not obligatory for people to like me, though obviously I prefer it if they do. But I just want not to be criticised and condemned for being me. And to feel allowed to go on Being Me-ish without it being said or implied that I shouldn't be.

I want I want I want.

Maybe I want too much.
Tags: becoming myself, bunyip musings, thinky thoughts
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